They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
