She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
