Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
