Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
