just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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