Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
