I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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