he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
