I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
