My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
