bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
