Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
