Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
