So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
