Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
