Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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