This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
