the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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