Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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