Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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