ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
