you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
