we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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