I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
