I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it's like iHOP with fire
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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