I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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