did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
