saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize