she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
