Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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