a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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