i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
