Who wears a wallet chain?!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
