I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize