My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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