even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
