oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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