maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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