we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
being pregnant is like rehab
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
