Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
