Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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