I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
