why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize