It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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