It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
