I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
