I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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