We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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