So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
