Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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