I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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