I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
