he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
