There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
