Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
