i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
