I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
