my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize