Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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