I am spending my child support on dildos
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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