i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
