I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
someone owes me an orgasm
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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