You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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