No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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