The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
