Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
